Closing Out 2007

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

Baseball cap tip to Dongwhipped Owner Kevin Klinkhamer for helping us close out the '07 season:

"I can't think of a better last video to go on SLPL's website than a great impersonation of Joe Buck announcing major events."

From the video's website: "Famous moments in sports (and eventually, news) history are 're-called' featuring an impression of the dry, flavorless cadence of somnambulant sports commentator and FOX Baseball play-by-play man Joe Buck." (Though, to be fair to Buck, it's impossible to generate any real inflection when you have your head so far up Josh Beckett's a** that you're looking out of his eyes.) Anyway, enjoy.

While this won't be the last entry on the website, we are taking an offseason hiatus of the to-be-interupted-only-by-inspiration-or-drunken-late-nights-or-reporting-league-news variety. Enjoy your offseason. We look forward to seeing you back here in 2008!


Cunning & Oldham's California Sluggers Crowned '07 Overall Champ

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham, co-owners of the California Sluggers, were officially crowned the Overall Champs of the 2007 Santa Lechuga Power League after the Boston Red Sox swept the Colorado Rockies on Sunday night. "How the heck did that happen," Commission Rube Furrow asked after the game. "Those guys were in third place when the regular season ended and BOOM!, they jumped into first overall. Where was I?"

Furrow was, like he often was during the season, disconnected from reality. The Sluggers made some very adept and wise trades just before the end of the regular season, which propelled them into the overall lead soon after the playoffs began. Cunning and Oldham took the lead from Regular Season Champ, Rick Coppock, owner of the Highlanders, and leap-frogged over Jeren Livernois, owner of STW, who didn't make any adept or wise trades before the playoffs.

"What the freak wasn't Jeren doing," Maggie asked. "I was certain the dude would make some moves to try to win it all, but he fell asleep at the wheel when the regular season ended and lost his chance to scrape the big pot off the table. What a knucklehead." Oldham added, "But we love that knucklehead 'cause he left the door open for us to win the big money." In all, the Sluggers won $595 for being crowned Overall Champs.

The Sluggers were also crowned as the Playoff Champ Sunday night. The following report is from Peoria Panther Co-Owner Vince Livernois about the Playoffs race:

"The homerun by Holliday (Saturday) was it for the season. The California Sluggers had Holldiay on their team and I had Dice 'K.' The Panthers were in second place by like seven points. Dice was doing well and struck out five giving me 50 points, putting me in the lead in the Playoff Standings until Holliday hit a homer. That gave the Sluggers 100 points and first place. It came down to: If Holliday does not get a homer in the playoffs and Daisake doesn't give up a homer, I pretty much win. Pretty tight until the very end."

(Man, how'd I miss that? Sorry, guys.)

Anyway, the final champs crowned Sunday night were the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool Co-Champs, ten in all. They are too many to list in a sentence, so I've listed them below.

Following are all the official 2007 SLPL champs:

Overall Champ: California Sluggers (Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham)
Playoff Champ: California Sluggers (Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham)
Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool Co-Champs: ¡Guao Wee! (Richard Livernois), As Bad as Bill West (Jim Hicks), Athletic Supporters (Peggy Bocox), Cork Suckers (Tom Kinchus), Cremaster of Ceremonies (Laith Agha), Dodger Blue (Mark Olivarria), Las Vegas Losers (Jim Woo), Magic Johnsons (Jeff Brown), Peoria Panthers (Vince, Alec & Weston), Seaside Dirtbags (Ken Ottmar)
Regular Season Champ: Highlanders (Rick Coppock)
Hitting Champ: Highlanders (Rick Coppock)
Pitching Champ: Inderkum Baseball (Bradon Olivarria)
Power-Hitting Pitchers Co-Champs: Fetacelli Rats (Michael Pieper), Guzzlyn Suds (Steve McNelley), STW (Jeren Livernois)
Ben Pao® Division Champ: Victorious Secret (Daniel Collier)
Brasserie Jo® Division Champ: Red-Eye Jedi (Marc Cabrera)
Mon Ami Gabi® Division Champ: STW (Jeren Livernois)
Nacional 27® Division Champ: Bad Spinach (Jim Johnson)
Osteria Via Stato Division Champ: California Sluggers (Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham)
Papagus® Division Champ: Monopoly Now (Marcus Rochellle)
Scoozi! Division Champ: A team to be named later (Sue Klinkhamer)
Tucci Benucch® Division Champ: Highlanders (Rick Coppock)
Wow Bao™ Division Champ: Athletic Supporters (Peggy Bocox)
All-Star Co-Champs: As Bad as Bill West (Jim Hicks), California Sluggers (Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham), Dodger Blue (Mark Olivarria), Monopoly Now (Marcus Rochellle)

And here are the official 2007 money winners:


California Sluggers
(Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham) - $595 for Overall Champ
Highlanders (Rick Coppock) - $595 for Regular Season Champ

(Jeren Livernois) - $75 for Mon Ami Gabi® Division and $33.33 for Power-Hitting Pitchers Co-Champ and $100 for Hitting Champ 2nd Place Finish

Inderkum Baseball
(Brandon Olivarria) - $100 for Pitching Champ and $75 for Osteria Via Stato Division 2nd Place Finish

Sandyeggo Trippers
(Jack Tripp) for finishing 2nd Place - $125 for Playoff Champ
Monopoly Now (Marcus Rochellle) - $75 for Papagus® Division and $50 for All-Star Co-Champs

Athletic Supporters
(Peggy Bocox) - $75 for Wow Bao™ Division and $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool

A team to be named later...
(Sue Klinkhamer) - $75 for Scoozi! Division
Bad Spinach (Jim Johnson) - $75 for Nacional 27® Division
Bauer's Bandits (Julie Pankoke) - $75 for Tucci Benucch® Division 2nd Place Finish
Red-Eye Jedi (Marc Cabrera) - $75 for Brasserie Jo® Division
Victorious Secret (Danielle Collier) - $75 for Ben Pao® Division

As Bad as Bill West
(Jim Hicks) - $50 for All-Star Co-Champs and $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Dodger Blue (Mark Olivarria) - $50 for All-Star Co-Champs and $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool

Fetacelli Rats
(Michael Pieper) - $33.33 for Power-Hitting Pitchers Co-Champ
Guzzlyn Suds (Steve McNelley) - $33.33 for Power-Hitting Pitchers Co-Champ

¡Guao Wee!
(Richard Livernois) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Cork Suckers (Tom Kinchus) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Cremaster of Ceremonies (Laith Agha) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Las Vegas Losers (Jim Woo) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Magic Johnsons (Jeff Brown) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Peoria Panthers (Vince, Alec & Weston) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Seaside Dirtbags (Ken Ottmar) - $15 for Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool

Congrats to all our winners. (Pretty cool fact: We had a total of 23 winners this season, 16 of whom won enough to pay for their ownership fees.) And thanks to all owners for a great season. We hope to see you again in '08, and especially at our Owners Meeting in Seattle, South Carolina!

P.S. There's still money left unpaid by some owners. As long as we haven't been paid, we can't cut all the checks to our winners. So if you haven't paid, please get off the schnied and pay. Fast. Please!

Profit from Pain

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

The most-despicable commissioner of the SLPL, Rube Furrow, recently confessed in a comment to the following: "My sordid secret: I took $1 bets in the newsroom on Friday that the Red Sox would rebound and win the (Tribe) series. My only regret is I didn't take odds." Good for you, Rube. Thanks. I always appreciate it when others can profit from my pain.

Vinnie Rants

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

More welcome playoff rants from Peoria Panthers Co-Owner and past SLPL Champ Vince Livernois by way of e-mail during Thursday's playoff game between the Red Sox and Rockies. If you're a Red Sox fan, move on, move on ... there's nothing to see here ...

E-Mail 1
"Either Youkilis has a horrible outbreak of Hepatitis or he is on HGH. He's got that Mark McGwire look about him. All that sweating and movement when he's in the batter's box makes me feel uncomfortable just watching him. I wish Torrealba would take his baseball bat away from him when he's in the box, hit him over the head and save the bat for when Manny gets up to bat to do the same. Then, Manny can use that cute little bonnet he wears to help stop the bleeding."

E-Mail 2
"Seriously, I really wish someone would hit Manny Rameriz with a baseball bat to the head every time he takes hit helmet off. What is he trying to do, make sure everyone sees that cute bonnet? It annoys me even more than when he stands at home plate for 20 seconds to watch his home runs.

Anyway, I feel better now that I was able to vent."

Playoff News

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5

The Onion

Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5

BOSTON—Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona announced Tuesday that the Colorado Rockies would receive a healthy dose of pitcher Josh Becket...


The World Series Is Here

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

This is it, the World Series. This is where the Overall Champ shines and the also-rans begin praying to Saint Next Year. Just so you know what's at stake: Only about 600 clams. Oh, and once the World Series has wrapped up, we'll also crown the Playoff Champ and the Phil Rizzuto Memorial HOF Death Pool Champ. (Speaking of which, wouldn't now be a good time for Joe Morgan to cash in his chips?)

As for points, during the World Series:

. Hitters earn 100 points for every home run hit
. Hitters lose 10 points for every K
. Pitchers earn 10 points for every K
. Pitchers lose 50 points for every homer surrendered

Good luck to teams with Red Sox or Rockie's players on their rosters. Everyone else, this is Saint Next Year. Saint Next Year, this is everyone else.

Playing the Role of Moises Alou Tonight ...

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

... is me.


And yet, I still love baseball. And I still love Game 7s.


Where Was I?

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

I follow the Indians pretty closely, but I can't for the life of me remember when they signed Steve Bartman and put him in Travis Hafner's uniform. The only thing missing is Moises Alou throwing a temper tantrum every time Hafner/Bartman strikes out.

Trew Scorre and Yew the Scrankees

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

It's rants like the following that have me convinced that we need to make Peoria Panthers Co-Owner and past SLPL Champ Vince Livernois a regular contributor to this blog next season. Despite the wall-to-wall Joe Torre idolatry that's been going on since Torre refused the Yankees' contract offer, it never occurred to me to be anti-Torre since my default setting is to despise the Yankees and whatever they do. So, I hated the Yankees when they hired Torre, and then I hated the Yankees when they offered Torre a lesser contract. Heck, I just hate the Yankees. But Vince has demonstrated why being anti-Torre is a reasonable position, yet he hasn't minimized any of Yankee derision. Check out this bit of refreshingness:

"Torre is complaining that his contract offer from the Yankees was an insult. An insult?

"Your payroll is triple that of your average ballclub. Some still say you still have the best lineup in baseball. A-Rod, Jeter, Abreu, Cano, Posada, Matsui, Cabrera, Giambi and Damon. Clemens, Pettite, Mussina, Wang and and up-and-coming Phil Huhges. Joba Chamberlin and Rivera. I count maybe five first ballot Hall of Famers. All that talent and you get beat by a bunch of hungry young talent time and time again in the playoffs.

"The best thing that could have happened to the Yankees is having him leave. Get a manager that can inspire the players. I betcha John Gibbons, manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, would jump at the possiblity of having all that talent and I bethca he would not feel insulted in the least bit even if they asked him to manage this talent for a mere $1 million or so a year.

"Screw Torre and
screw the Yankees!"

I think the only thing Vince forgot to say was that Torre should climb down off his cross and use the wood to build a bridge to get over it.

P.S. The article says Torre spoke for 67 minutes, "one minute for each year of his life." Really? And that's what, texture for the article? What the hell? Okay, from now on, whenever I'm being interviewed, I'm going to talk for one minute for each year of my life so lazy reporters can point it out. It'll add texture to the article, I suppose, and make the reporters appear to be paying attention to every little detail as though the idiotic, mundane details actually add something to the story. Who hires people that point out crap like that? And what self-respecting editor lets crap like that appear in stories? I mean, would this editor have let the writer point out, as Rube Furrow did in a recent phone conversation, that Torre's face looks like he used it as a catcher's mitt during his playing days?

While I Was Whining ...

Posted by Pedregoso Rios

While I spent the last several days whining about Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, and ESPN, Maggie Cunning & Jim Oldham's California Sluggers were quietly extending their Overall lead to 159 points. My apologies for going all Buck & McCarver on Maggie & Jim!